Today's fortune: You will meet a man with a thong. He will give you a high five.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Clown Car-Bomb Shakes the Tenderloin



30. September, 2010

San Francisco, CA - Walk past the heart of the Tenderloin District and you can still see remnants of yesterday's tragedy scattered throughout the intersection of Geary and Mason St.  The incident occurred in front of the Jack In the Box franchise located here, where a detonated car bomb resulted in 16 fatalities - 2 bystanders, 1 Box employee, and 13 clowns. 

Eye-witnesses in the area described the incident as a "bizarre display of tragic irony".  Erin Wussthoof was on an elliptical machine inside the 24-hour Fitness Center across the street: "All I heard was circus tunes, then an invasive 'BOOM' that shook the entire room... a very large red shoe smacked the window in front of me".  Other patrons of the gym added to the description, stating the vehicle in question was what seemed to be an incredibly gaudy and colorful clown car.  "I mean, the damn thing even had a clown hat on top of it... I spilled Muscle Milk all over myself", stated Vinnie DeCarlo, who was walking out of the gym when the explosion happened.  

According to various accounts of the tragedy, the clown car was indeed manned and packed full beyond capacity with none other than men dressed as clowns.  "When the car exploded, clown paraphernalia flew everywhere", Jessie Thiess described.  Clown shoes, horns, hats, and various-colored squeaky noses can still be found throughout the area.  The car exploded in the Jack In the Box drive-thru lane, taking the lives of 2 patrons who were ordering behind the clown car and one drive-thru cashier, whose names are not being released by Bay City police at this time.  The remaining 13 casualties were all inside the clowns' vehicle, which was carrying 6 helium tanks in the trunk.  The tanks appear to be what fueled the explosion, the catalyst a 'hand-buzzer' detonator which was set off during the cash transaction, according to crime scene investigators.  No other information is being stated for record at this time.

No organization has taken credit for this act and investigators have not linked this incident to any established terrorist groups.  Bay Area police are alerting citizens to report any suspicious clown activity.  According to Sgt. Tweed, "These clowns are likely to be a part of a bigger, more robust organization with a twisted agenda, it seems... we will do everything in our power to ensure that these clowns are not going to have the last laugh".

IndieCola News streams will be updating this report with any new developments in real-time.

~IndieCola

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