Today's fortune: You will meet a man with a thong. He will give you a high five.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Got Guinness?

Today's tribute
Here's to our favorite dark draught!  Let's take a moment to indulge ourselves in a pint of personality, with excitement that explodes in your mouth and through your system to burst out your... soul. 

Let me count the ways we love thee...

It's the life of the party!

It's smooth and delicious - fun for the whole family.  Kids & pets can play in the foam!

... and it makes us smile ☺

Got Guinness? ;)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Smartphones: Are They Flushing Our Time Down the Drain?

SRI studies are revealing a striking correlation between smartphones and our toilet time.  According to the latest SRI research study conducted throughout the U.S. over the past 14 months, American smartphone users are spending 2.5 times longer in the loo than ever before.

The blind study consisting of 1,300 people revealed that smartphones do in fact lead to longer bathroom visits.  Fifty percent of the population was given a standard cellular telephone, while the other fifty an Iphone or Droid.  Smartphone subjects entering the bathroom spent an average of 2.5 times longer than dumbphone subjects before exiting.  When reviewing the data the majority of users were searching the internet, playing games, watching youtube, and some even viewing pornography.

One Chicago stock broker admitted to spending entire financial trade days on the pot, conducting business and trading commodities via his Apple Iphone 4.  "I've become a million times more efficient since getting [my smart phone]...  I can work on demand and, in between trades,  I can search on-line and play video games without ever having to leave the comfort of my bathroom."

Another 41-year old male in Buttswamp, TX, attributes the highlight of his adult life to his Droid.  "I play Robot Unicorn Attack every time I use the bathroom.  Last month I made 238,560 points in one shitting!... Many times, my legs they fall asleep so when I git up from the [toilet] I shoot straight to the floor like spit on a sidewalk and have to holler to my wife, Varma, for help getting up."

Whether they are used as tools for efficiency or for time-guzzling, record smartphone sales growth last quarter indicate that more Americans than ever will be adding a dash of technology to their pinch of loaf.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Muse Newborn in SanDiego

  Filmed from a phone, sorry about the dumbed down quality.

Taking the day off from original content to pay homage to one of the most Muse-ically (not indie sorry, but at least it isn't Lady Gaga) outstanding knicker-ripping artists of our time.  We challenge you to present us with a human with good-taste who would not appreciate this talent.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

New Evidence in Box Bombing Emerges

"McNuckanugget" as seen in this video freeze
Recent terrorist chatter has led to this video, which surfaced in the heightened awareness which resulted in the aftermath of last week's Jack In the Box bombing near San Fransisco's tenderloin district.  The FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force (JTTF) is still determining the authenticity of this video, but it appears to be a new group that refers to themselves as McNuckanugget.  "There is no doubt this group is extremely well connected," said Agent Browns during a press conference last night in Washington D.C.  "We are still unsure of their motive and who the front man of the organization is.  Really we cannot stress enough how crucial it is to the investigation to report ANY suspicious clown activity in your areas.  We aren't sure how widespread this organization is, but they do appear to be targeting Jack in the Box locations."

The JTTF was able to hack into McNuckanugget's Facebook account and have hard evidence that they were in fact at the scene of last weeks attack via a "foursquare" posting.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Clown Car-Bomb Shakes the Tenderloin

30. September, 2010

San Francisco, CA - Walk past the heart of the Tenderloin District and you can still see remnants of yesterday's tragedy scattered throughout the intersection of Geary and Mason St.  The incident occurred in front of the Jack In the Box franchise located here, where a detonated car bomb resulted in 16 fatalities - 2 bystanders, 1 Box employee, and 13 clowns. 

Eye-witnesses in the area described the incident as a "bizarre display of tragic irony".  Erin Wussthoof was on an elliptical machine inside the 24-hour Fitness Center across the street: "All I heard was circus tunes, then an invasive 'BOOM' that shook the entire room... a very large red shoe smacked the window in front of me".  Other patrons of the gym added to the description, stating the vehicle in question was what seemed to be an incredibly gaudy and colorful clown car.  "I mean, the damn thing even had a clown hat on top of it... I spilled Muscle Milk all over myself", stated Vinnie DeCarlo, who was walking out of the gym when the explosion happened.  

According to various accounts of the tragedy, the clown car was indeed manned and packed full beyond capacity with none other than men dressed as clowns.  "When the car exploded, clown paraphernalia flew everywhere", Jessie Thiess described.  Clown shoes, horns, hats, and various-colored squeaky noses can still be found throughout the area.  The car exploded in the Jack In the Box drive-thru lane, taking the lives of 2 patrons who were ordering behind the clown car and one drive-thru cashier, whose names are not being released by Bay City police at this time.  The remaining 13 casualties were all inside the clowns' vehicle, which was carrying 6 helium tanks in the trunk.  The tanks appear to be what fueled the explosion, the catalyst a 'hand-buzzer' detonator which was set off during the cash transaction, according to crime scene investigators.  No other information is being stated for record at this time.

No organization has taken credit for this act and investigators have not linked this incident to any established terrorist groups.  Bay Area police are alerting citizens to report any suspicious clown activity.  According to Sgt. Tweed, "These clowns are likely to be a part of a bigger, more robust organization with a twisted agenda, it seems... we will do everything in our power to ensure that these clowns are not going to have the last laugh".

IndieCola News streams will be updating this report with any new developments in real-time.